I really didn't want this blog to me my place to complain, but it's starting to be that. The sad thing is though, I really don't believe in complainning if you don't do something to change it, now if you cant change (IE having an annoying person at work) then go right a head. But I'm tired of being fat, and tired of being passed up by boys, and tired of thinking so poorly of myself and i have no idea how to change my brain. Because i know how to lose weight, and how to keep it off, it's not brain surgery. You eat less, eat better, exercise more. But i want to know how to fix my brain, how start liking myself because i really don't. and I'm not one to tape a list of things i like about myself to the bathroom mirror, because that would just annoy me and make me want to break things.
i don't even know how my self esteem got this low. i can always remember being like this, the thought that no one could ever really like me. if someone flirts with me know i either think they're drunk, or just being a jerk. when stupid boy from a few weeks ago sent all those texts i got all excited that maybe, just maybe he was for real, and saw past all the fat and realized that i was worth it. but no, i was wrong. he saw someone that it would be funny to mess with. or maybe he didn't but he still doesn't want me and it's still another stab in the heart. which it shouldn't be because hello, i barley know this kid. i got all excited over nothing and then let myself be crushed. i litterally stared at my phone, waiting. I'm tired of the only flirting i get being from girls who are just kidding and my friends.
and i say this but then when i dude does like me (squeaky wheels & face mauler) and they're so adamant to prove it physically, i freak out. i wouldn't even kiss them. it was like i became 12 and needed to run to my mommy because boys have cooties. not that either of them, looking back, would have been a smart decision but still. i just wish i could build self esteem while losing weight and find someone who likes me for me, not my dress size. because i really do have the fear that even though i may be thinner one day, people are still going to pass me up and I'm not going to be able to use my fat excuse anymore, I'm just going to have to realize that the reason no one likes me is because I'm defective.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
37 Feeling Blah
So today is Allie's birthday, Happy Birthday Honey! Cant wait for tonight :)
I really wish I could extract the thoughts of boys from my head, it doesnt work through. And I gained 5 lbs this week which makes me super duper sad that my apathy kicked in. When we were at our meeting this week they gave us "homework" to do if we wanted. And it was to start with the sentence "I want to lose this much weight ____" and then you write "because" and give your reason,a nd then you write "because" again and you do it until you've reached the core reason / are crying. I was thinking about it at work today and I realized that one of the biggest reasons is that I truely can not stand the way I look. I dont like to go shopping, or go places where there may be small chairs, i dont like booths, i dont like being out in public with my guy friends because theyre all cute and skinny and then i;m next to them and i get those looks, i'm so paranoid all the time about what people are thinking about and i'm just done with it. i'm devising a plan on how to get more "fun" exercise in. I need a way to keep myself from bored eating, that's my biggest thing. I dont know how to stop that. Because half the time I dont realize it until i'm half way through something. Any suggestions?
I really wish I could extract the thoughts of boys from my head, it doesnt work through. And I gained 5 lbs this week which makes me super duper sad that my apathy kicked in. When we were at our meeting this week they gave us "homework" to do if we wanted. And it was to start with the sentence "I want to lose this much weight ____" and then you write "because" and give your reason,a nd then you write "because" again and you do it until you've reached the core reason / are crying. I was thinking about it at work today and I realized that one of the biggest reasons is that I truely can not stand the way I look. I dont like to go shopping, or go places where there may be small chairs, i dont like booths, i dont like being out in public with my guy friends because theyre all cute and skinny and then i;m next to them and i get those looks, i'm so paranoid all the time about what people are thinking about and i'm just done with it. i'm devising a plan on how to get more "fun" exercise in. I need a way to keep myself from bored eating, that's my biggest thing. I dont know how to stop that. Because half the time I dont realize it until i'm half way through something. Any suggestions?
Monday, May 4, 2009
36 I hate Boys
Straight up, they suck.
In other news!
I heard about this exercise program called Cross Fit (or something like that) that I'm going to start trying to do. It's insane and a friend who is in the Air force does it as part of their fitness program. I really want to lose 30 more lbs by Amber's birthday so I have to really amp up the exercise and good diet. Part of me really wants to go vegan for the time being because you lose a lot of weight that way. I think I might, really, because this weight needs to come off like yesterday. I say that as I eat a bagel with butter and cottage cheese. But whatever, I could totally do an all fruit breakfast, an apple for a snack, a salad with vegan dressing for lunch and a frozen vegan mean for dinner. or cook some vegan tastiness, I have the cookbooks. it's not that hard. my only downfall is cheese! but with proper planning this should be doable. Today I'm going to try vegetarian, I'll do that for a week and then swing into vegan.
Okay, well I love yous!
PS: Why does this creepy chick that temps near me always walk by and stare??
In other news!
I heard about this exercise program called Cross Fit (or something like that) that I'm going to start trying to do. It's insane and a friend who is in the Air force does it as part of their fitness program. I really want to lose 30 more lbs by Amber's birthday so I have to really amp up the exercise and good diet. Part of me really wants to go vegan for the time being because you lose a lot of weight that way. I think I might, really, because this weight needs to come off like yesterday. I say that as I eat a bagel with butter and cottage cheese. But whatever, I could totally do an all fruit breakfast, an apple for a snack, a salad with vegan dressing for lunch and a frozen vegan mean for dinner. or cook some vegan tastiness, I have the cookbooks. it's not that hard. my only downfall is cheese! but with proper planning this should be doable. Today I'm going to try vegetarian, I'll do that for a week and then swing into vegan.
Okay, well I love yous!
PS: Why does this creepy chick that temps near me always walk by and stare??
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