So I haven't uploaded the photos of my apartment yet but I will soon, maybe. We shall see.
My 25
th birthday is coming up this month and I have mixed emotions about that. Part of me is excited, I get to throw a party and people will dress up and it'll be fun times. Another part of me really want to just shut down and push everyone away. It seems like whenever things finally start going in a direction where I can feel slightly normal and start trying to get over everything that's happened something little comes along and knocks me off my horse. I know I've always had issues with bottling up emotions, which might seem strange to people I know, but I keep so much in. I have so much that I don’t let out that when I do finally let it all go, it goes out in a massive blow out. I need to find a happy medium so I don’t have that problem, but I don’t know how.
So far, in my almost 25 years I can say these few things:
I
graduated college.
I took a road trip with my sister from Texas to Seattle, then to San
Fransisco, then to LA and then home.
I flew to Boston with my sister as a first real vacation away from the family.
I
rescued my dog, and I love him to death.
I feel like I should have more on that list. More places, people, things I've done. I feel like I should have someone in my life who I could see myself with. I would like to be married some day, have kids, but I don’t know if that will ever happen. I was recently in touch with an old friend, one that I always had issues with but was still a friend, and instead of being an honest, adult person and just telling me that they had moved on and were fine with our current not talking states, I was told coffee and things should
commence to then be ignored. It shouldn't’t matter, deep down I know that in the long run it
doesn’t mater, but how many people do I have from my past that I loved who hate me now? Quite a few. I have never figured that out. I meet these people, I want to have a relationship and a I end up bending over backwards to be friends with them and make them happy. I'm always trying to make someone else happy. Then, when I can't take the stress anymore they freak out and leave and hate me, and make sure that I know how much I'm hated. Granted my life has been better since their departure but part of me can't help but want them to still like me, or at least, not be awkward if I see them in public. I suppose it is my fault, I try so hard to be what they want instead of being who I am. All things I need to work on.
I guess 25 is going to be a year of learning.